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Are you feeling stifled in your relationship? Not sure if you are in love anymore? Having an increased frequency of arguments? You might be in the stage of your relationship where you're negotiating your needs with your partner's needs. Couples Experts Ellyn Bader and her partner Peter saw over 50, 000 couples in the United States and created the Developmental Model of Couple Relationships: A Positive Outlook on How Relationships Develop. In the beginning of the relationship it's common to feel like there's so much similarity between us, almost like we grew up together. The lovely bonding…

It might seem like a stretch to think that experiences with your caregiver that happened as early as day one...or even hour one...of life, would influence how you might experience relationships as an adult. Those non-verbal cues like eye contact, your caregiver's tone, their presence (consistent or otherwise), whether they held you, hugged you, and so many other interactions all affected future relationship. That's not intended to sound ominous but more, to help you possibly understand how some of the strengths or maybe vulnerabilities within your relationships now, might be influenced. If…

It is common and understandable to have reactions to "parts work". It is becoming a common way of working with trauma and family dysfunction that has been made popular by Internal Family Systems (IFS). I use it a lot in my work with people. Common reactions are - I don't have parts, I am just me, or that parts are not real; we imagine them. There may be other reactions. One that comes up for me (even though I work in this way) is that I don't like to go along with the latest fad and that nothing is new. So, I want to put IFS into perspective and discuss how we might see a "part."…

I am going to say something somewhat controversial. We have very few needs in our relationships. I might go as far as saying that we don’t need anything from our partner. We need air to breathe and food to eat. This is the level of need. It is associated with our survival. Language is powerful. This is why when we use the word need to express what we want in relationships it has the energy of ‘must-have urgency’ behind it. It is a demand. Let’s compare expressions for a moment. I need your attention vs I want your attention or can I have your attention? Take a moment to say each phrase out…

Even the mention of shame brings up a desire to avoid even talking about it. It is the worst feeling and experience. It can be experienced as a constant dull ache lurking to erupt if we give it any attention, to a sudden flash of heat and intense feeling of needing to disappear. Shame is a relational experience. In other words, we are shamed by others and we develop internal shaming to prevent further experiences of shame, including shaming others. This cycle of shame is hard to break. It can be useful to understand how this develops to find a way out and heal. Here are the steps: A bad thing…

This is often hard to understand for a lot of the people I work with, so in this post I am going to go through what we mean about repair in relationships. Let’s start by acknowledging the things we need to repair in a relationship. That might seem obvious, but let’s lay the foundation for this. It starts with a communication or action by your partner that leaves you hurt, disappointed, let down, frustrated, and so on. There may be things you have both said or done during a conflict that cause both to want attention to your hurt feelings. Several common pitfalls arise and get in the way of a…

Are you getting burnt out by someone in your life? Do you feel resentment towards them? Are you exhausted? Do you feel guilty for not being able to maintain a lot of contact with them? Ask yourself this: Are you good at setting boundaries with others? Setting boundaries with others is a healthy way to preserve a relationship. When we constantly go beyond our limit with others we end up feeling resentful and wanting to avoid contact. We stay on the phone longer than we'd like, or spend money we don't have on them, or always go over to their house. Where did you learn that in order to sustain a…

Many of us (myself included) have used the accusation you always__ or you never __ in arguments with loved ones. This is an all too common response and if used consistently will erode trust and connection in an intimate relationship. You have likely been given well-meaning advice about not using these words and how they damage communication. However, how many of you are successful in doing that? Perhaps this is because we experience this accusation of our partner as true and just being told this is not a good idea doesn’t convince us our partner isn’t ‘always’ doing something. Maybe later we…

Have you ever noticed that you don't like being alone? The thought of downtime or quiettime is overwhelming and you'll do anything you can to avoid it. Maybe you find you fill your space and time with work, friend, your kids...and when they're all busy, you still find places or spaces to be, so you don't have to be alone. This might mean a place like Costco, or it could just mean plugging in the vaccum so you can feel like you're doing something and you're avoiding any thoughts or emotions that might be felt in the quiet. Perhaps there's a relationship, an experience or a trauma you're worried…

Loneliness is a universal emotion experienced by individuals in various situations and at different times. Despite being in the company of others, this emotion can persist, causing internal distress. There are moments when this sense of isolation intensifies, leaving us in solitude and affecting various aspects of our lives. To overcome the grip of loneliness, it is essential to understand what can be done and how we can liberate ourselves from its clutches. Many of us have distanced ourselves from our true selves, contributing to the profound sense of isolation. Let's honestly acknowledge our…