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Why does your partner's emotional distance sometimes make you so angry? Perhaps you feel frustrated when they don't respond, hurt when they seem uninterested in talking, or upset when they need space just when you need closeness the most. You might find yourself criticizing, bringing up past arguments, asking the same questions, or pushing for a conversation that never seems to happen. And the more your partner pulls away, the more desperate you feel to get through to them. But have you ever wondered what's happening underneath your anger? Sometimes, what looks like anger is actually hurt…

When people come to counselling because of anger, they often describe it as something that simply takes over. One moment they are fine, and the next they have said or done something they wish they could take back. What tends to get lost in those moments is a simple question: what was the anger trying to accomplish? Anger rarely shows up at random. It is a protective emotion, and it usually arrives with a job to do. Looking at that job, rather than only at the outburst, can change the way we understand our own reactions. In my experience, three purposes come up again and again. Evening the…

The push and pull of wanting emotional connection while protecting ourselves from the vulnerability it brings. Some people deeply desire emotional connection, affection, and security, yet when intimacy begins to develop, they feel an urge to withdraw, question the relationship, or create distance. They want closeness, but closeness can also feel frightening. They may fear abandonment while simultaneously feeling uncomfortable with emotional dependence. This experience is often associated with fearful-avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment in discussions of adult…

Emotional Reactivity Starts in the Nervous System We’ve all had less than sparkling moments. We snap at our children, lose it in traffic, and yell at our partner. To protect our self-esteem, we blame emotional blow-ups on our mood, or on someone else “because they should have known better.” Afterward, regret and even guilt set in. We think, “What’s wrong with me? I should be able to manage my anger. I’m a bad…(fill in your favourite self-criticism). But here’s the surprising truth: emotional blow-ups may not be just about willpower or “bad moods.” Your body may be hijacking your higher…

Emotional Reactivity Starts in the Nervous System We’ve all had less than sparkling moments. We snap at our children, lose it in traffic, and yell at our partner. To protect our self-esteem, we blame emotional blow-ups on our mood, or on someone else “because they should have known better.” Afterward, regret and even guilt set in. We think, “What’s wrong with me? I should be able to manage my anger. I’m a bad…(fill in your favourite self-criticism). But here’s the surprising truth: emotional blow-ups may not be just about willpower or “bad moods.” Your body may be hijacking your higher…

Is your partner going through peri-menopause? Is your wife or partner tired, migraine-y or anxious? Is she no longer providing the kind of care you've been used to receiving? Is she speaking in a harsher way to you? Are you finding it challenging? You are not alone! Many of the partners I work with are bewildered at the change in their partner's behaviour when they start going through peri-menopausal changes. Unfortunately couples spend too much time suffering on their own before seeking help. If the changes are not understood resentment or other symptoms can build up in a relationship. Coming…

Are you in a relationship where you are not getting any of your needs met? Are you wondering if you are being fair in thinking that way? Are these thoughts so consuming that you are wondering whether to stay in the relationship? Worrying about the health of a relationship can be a lot. Ruminating on whether to stay in a negative relationship can impact one's health and ability to focus at work or school. You are right to worry if you are constantly tired from doing everything. In a relationship you aren't going to have 100% of your needs met all of the time. However, you should be able to feel…

Are you and your partner feeling more like roommates than romantic partners these days? Are you going through the motions of playing house but not feeling very physically or even emotionally connected? It can be confusing and even frustrating for couples when they experience this kind of disconnect in their relationship. Especially when they can remember so fondly those earlier years of having lots of fun sex and deep conversation. What's changed? Can we get it back, they wonder. And how? Don't despair! Yes, couples can find that spark again in long-term relationships, even when it's been gone…

A peer’s mantra reassures me as I grow in my counselling career: “Therapy’s a conversation — just a conversation.” Therapy is a conversation — except, given its emotional character, it’s not just “conversation,” is it? Sometimes, the “wrong” thing is said; maybe it’s some confusion, an irrelevant tangent by the counsellor, or a challenge to the client’s expectations. Such sticking points happen in ordinary conversation, don’t they? Yet in a sometimes-unfriendly world with so much misinformation, the stakes can feel higher in therapy. So, what makes such high-stakes emotional work possible…

On my website, I share the story of how I became a counsellor and how the roots of my career go back to elementary school! In this blog post, I’d like to share more details about what this career means to me, and why I believe I was meant to do this work. I will do so through the lens of gratitude, which this work and my clients continually inspire in me. The language I use here is poetic because I’m a poet at heart, and I tend to express the most meaningful experiences in my life in this way. I am grateful, firstly, for my use of empathy with clients. When I can enter into another’s frame of…